Meher's Story
Everyone crowded by the
door. Ma was leading the pack, her puja thali weighing heavy in her arms. Bauji
stood right beside her (his usual spot), tears in his eyes and that famous
watery smile on his face. Heerdi and Kuldi were huddled around ma and bauji,
excitement, anticipation and joy evident on their faces. This was a good day
for the Juneja family, a day no one expected, a day most didn't even hope for.
In fact there is an unspoken fear that it might just be too good to be true'or
maybe it's not fear but an evil, selfish feeling of hope. Hope that maybe it is
too good to be true. A hope that is evident in my silent tears and my phony put
on smile.
As I looked past the
crowd, I see you standing near the pillar, trying to put some space between you
and the rest, hiding as if ashamed, ashamed because the same hope had crept
into your thoughts as well. Hope that maybe today was just a dream.
"Meher you have
finished setting up Harman's room right? He is finally coming home Meher and I
just, I want everything to be perfect for him." And just like that Ma
yanked me back to reality.
The put-on smile
stretched wider as I reassuringly replied, "Of course Ma, everything is
perfect just the way Harmanji left it."
I felt you staring, I
could almost see the smirk on your face, my last words "just the way
harmanji left it" echoing in the silence between us.
Harmanji, my fianc, my
childhood sweetheart, the father of my child, was coming home today but instead
of joy my unfaithful heart was full of sorrow, or maybe it was just numb
overwhelmed by the emotional roller coast of separation from the one you love
and reunion with the one who left you behind.
"Who would have
thought that God would be so kind to us Meher? Finally this family will be
complete, all the lost joy will return. Don't you feel it Meher that feeling of
complete bliss?"
I smile and nod at
Heerdi's words but then I can't help but look away. This pretense is starting
to take its toll on me. My world is crumbling around me and my life has just become
a series of unanswered questions. Subconsciously or in full consciousness, I
can't tell anymore, but somehow I find myself looking into your eyes. Looking
into your eyes are like seeing a mirror image of mine, I see the same questions
and the same turmoil reflected in them.
I want to reach out
and ease away that frown and I want to kiss away those tears but I don't know
if it's appropriate anymore. I don't know if it's appropriate for me to miss
you anymore, I don't even know if it's appropriate for me to love you anymore
because my fianc is coming back. The fianc, who dressed in his freshly pressed
army uniform and his badges of honor, walked out of these same doors one day
with his bags and his goofy grin and just forgot to return for the next two years.
I was drying his laundry on the roof. I wanted to be the one
to wash his clothes, I was afraid that if someone else washed it then they
would wash away his scent, his presence from those clothes. Stupid I know, but
you know what's sillier, before washing each of his clothing I held it close to
my stomach, just so from the very beginning the baby was aware of it's father's
essence.
I saw a car pulling into the driveway, a military car. He
had just left less than a month ago, so it can't be him, can it? Maybe he was
here to surprise me, the baby news I gave him last night could have had that
effect. Without looking any closer, not wanting to ruin his surprise, I ran
downstairs and towards the door. And just then, just as I reached the door, a
scream, a gut wrenching scream, shattered the fairy tale reality I had imagined
for myself.
He was missing in action, presumed dead. Right after he hung
up on the phone with me, his base was attacked. No survivors were found. Some
of the bodies were so badly burnt; there was no way of identifying them.
However, a few bodies were missing. There was hope that maybe a few survived or
were taken prisoners, but the brutality with which the base had been attacked,
gave very little credence to that theory.
As I sat there listening to the facts, the details and the
plans for their search and rescue, my hands subconsciously cradled my stomach,
rubbing it in reassurance, of what, I still don't know but I guess that's what
maternal instinct is, protecting your child from even your own grief.
That night I stood by the window staring at the stars and
the moon looking for those eyes, that smile, his face, somewhere, anywhere in
the sky. Hoping that maybe all those childhood fables and myths about people
dying and becoming stars were somehow true. I heard a knock and when I turned
towards the door, I found Ma standing there with a plate full of my favorite
things to eat.
"Ma you didn't have to bring this up for me. I am not
feeling very hungry."
"Then don't eat for yourself. Eat for my
grandchild."
She put down the plate and came around to the window. The
tears, I didn't even know I was holding back, came pouring down. She gathered
me in her arms and gently rubbed my back, her tears now one with mine.
A few weeks went by and eventually the entire family had
become aware of my condition. The morning sickness had gotten worse and weirdly
enough so had the insatiable appetite. The joy of birth had somewhat lessened
the grief of death. But a certain gloom still hung in the air. A child born out
of wedlock, no matter how welcomed it may be, was still considered a major
societal taboo. And finding a groom for an unwed, un-rich, pregnant, plain
looking 25 year old was a herculean task most would fail to complete.
"What about Preet?" Kuldi asked suddenly asked one
day while we were baking Bauji's birthday cake.
Confused by the randomness of the question, I asked the same
myself, "What about Preet?"
"You can marry Preet," came the triumphant reply.
Later, in more happier times, I remember how all of us had
laughed about the coincidence of it all but literally as soon as Kuldi
mentioned my marrying Preet, ma walked into the kitchen, a smile that I had not
seen on her since Harmanji's news, lighting up her face.
"That's a brilliant idea Kul. What do you think Meher?
That way the baby will still have it's father's name and you will still be part
of this family."
"What do I think?" was a rhetorical question on
Ma's part, one that she had obviously already answered for me. Before I knew
it, wedding plans had already begun forming. After all the wedding had to be
quick, I was starting to show and all said and done none of us wanted the legitimacy
of my child, Harmanji's child, questioned.
I remember you entering my room, forbidden though it was,
merely an hour before our wedding. Considering the fact that only a week had
passed since the first moment the idea of me marrying you had been mentioned,
this was the first time you and I truly got a chance to speak or even think
about what lay ahead in the future for us.
I was standing at my usual spot by the window, staring at
the sky, looking for a sign. You came and stood beside me. Your warm hand
gently covered my freezing ones. I remember you turned to the sky and smiled
that cheeky smile of yours.
"Guess what Bhai, today your favorite Bandar is being
given your favorite set of pearls. Thanks for the gift Bhai. You know how I am
Bhai, careless with most things but always careful with the expensive stuff and
this I can tell is very expensive. So rest assured your pearls will be very
well taken care of."
I felt myself smiling, my first genuine smile in a
very long time and I felt your fingertips brushing away tears I didn't realize
had fallen.
"Enough of those don't you think? I know Meher, you and
I, we were never meant to be but here we are, you, me and Juneja Jr. So as they
say, when the sky rains eggs, you make a kickass omelet out of it."
"And who says that?"
You shrugged, that annoying, nonchalant shrug of yours,
"Someone, somewhere must be saying that I am sure."
I nod my head in amusement, of course eggs and omelet
surely, someone, somewhere thinks of these things.
"Anyways the point is that even though circumstances
have forced us here today, I don't think we should compromise. After all it's
the rest of our lives and neither of us should live a lifetime thinking we are
second best. So let's just say we are having a reverse relationship. First
comes baby, then marriage and maybe after all that comes love."
The smile that started on my lips, finally spread all the
way to my eyes. A hope, that maybe my fairy tale has not been completely
shattered, flickered through my heart. I squeezed your hands in agreement and
we parted with a friendly, warm hug. And to top it all off, the baby kicked, as
if in agreement with the deal you and I had just made.
A car honked from the
driveway, the long lost prodigal son had returned. You finally came out of the
shadow and stood behind, a quiet, comforting presence. I reached out for your
hand and you took mine in yours, gently squeezing them as if transferring your
strength to me. My other hand searched for the familiar sign of my love for
you, the necklace that you had tied around my neck less than two years ago. But
my hand came up empty, I panicked, what happened, where did it go. And then
suddenly, an unfamiliar ring on my finger caught my eye. It felt heavy. I
remember. This is the ring, Harmanji had left behind. The ring Meher, from two
years ago, had worn so proudly.
"Everything is
perfect, just the way Harmanji had left it." I reminded myself. This is
how Ma wanted it to be, for how long she didn't specify. She just didn't want
her war returned son to be shocked by the fact that life had moved on without
him in the past two years.
"Harman, thank
god son you are finally home."
I hear Bauji crying out
with happiness but I am too afraid to look, afraid of shattering my fairy tale
once again. I feel your hand leaving mine, your comforting warmth drifting away
from me. I turn to call out to you and then suddenly another rough, callused
hand grabs mine and pulls me into his arms.
"God Meher you have
no idea, how much I have looked forward to this day. I survived through prison
only for this, to be able to hold you in my arms again."
xxxx
Preet's Story
He pulled you into his
arms, claiming you belonged there. A wild, crazy urge, to snatch you away and
hide you in a place where he can never take you away from me, is consuming me.
I can't stand it anymore. I turn to leave, when he comes up to me, his hand
still holding yours and your eyes still avoiding mine.
"Preet, I know this
sounds weird considering you weren't exactly a pubescent, growing kid when I
left. Seriously dude you look so grown up. Is there a girl I should be thanking
for this change?" he teased.
I smiled, my perfunctory
smile, "Nah Bhai no girl�just life I guess. I had
to grow up someday."
Finally you look up and I
see the hurt in your eyes but I couldn't help it. This whole pretense, this act
of rewinding our lives back to two years ago has unleashed a selfish monster in
me that makes me want to hurt others as much as I am hurting.
"Harmanji, why don't
you go hang out with the family? I'll go make us all some tea." You suggested
softly, your hand slowly slipping out of his.
He held on and pulled you
with him towards the rest of the family, "I have a better idea. Why don't
we all hang out, tea can wait. Preet why are you standing there like a statue,
come update me on all the action I missed."
I see him pulling you
onto his lap, I see you squirming uncomfortably, your eyes pleading with mine.
But I am helpless. My love for my brother, who I thought was dead, is fighting
a winning battle against my love for you, which my guilty conscience believes I
stole unfairly from him.
"Are Bhai�verbal
updates are so two years ago. Now it's the time of video updates. Ma, Bhabhi
and I put together a video of everything you missed. I'll just go get."
Finally I get to escape.
I run upstairs to our room, well just mine now. All our memories of our time
together have been stashed away in a forgotten corner of our, I guess I mean
my, closet. The video I had just finished editing was still in my Laptop CD
drive. As I turn the laptop on, the first thing that pops up is a smiling
picture of you from our honeymoon, which we finally took a few months ago. Your
hands are partially covering your face, and your eyes have that familiar
"seriously Preet!" look that I love so much.
I watched you, in the nursery, staring at the cot and that's
when I decided, we needed a break. Besides we were overdue a well deserved and
long awaited honeymoon. I snuck up behind you and in the scariest voice I could
muster, I whispered a loud "BOO!" in your ears.
I felt you shudder and as soon as I put my arms around you,
you smacked me hard and in your pretend stern voice you exclaimed,
"Seriously Preet!"
I grinned. "That's the exact reaction I was looking for
babe, you know it's such a turn on for me when you 'seriously Preet' me."
"Very funny Preet. One of these days you are going to
give me a heart attack."
"Nah I love you too much to let you die so soon.
Besides you can't die without ever going on your honeymoon that would just be a
cruel and unusual death." I teased as I gently nibbled your ear, a
favorite past time of mine.
You turned towards me, your face lit up by that big fat
cheesy smile of yours. "Honeymoon!" you squealed with excitement.
"When? Where?"
I couldn't help myself, I leaned in to reward myself with a
quick kiss before I explained, "we leave for Paris day after tomorrow. Our
visas just came in today."
You pulled away from my embrace and smacked me again,
"Day after tomorrow Preet? Seriously!"
"That just sounds so sexy to me no matter in which
order you say it."
"I am serious Preet. How am I going to shop, pack and
prepare for an international trip in two days?"
"As for shopping" I countered, "we can shop
till we drop all day tomorrow. And packing, well I am forever your indentured
slave�no seriously I think that
was the meaning of one the rounds we took around that blazing fire," I
explained in defense to the glare you sent my way, "so now that we have
shopping and packing covered, what other preparing do you need to do before 'an
international' trip?"
"Preet�"
"Babe�" I cut you off
before you get started, "this is meant to be a vacation and you can't
start a vacation stressing out otherwise what's the point of vacationing?"
That indulgent but content smile crept up onto your face and
as you found your way back into my arms, you said, "and this is how you
made me fall in love with you to begin with."
The honeymoon was great. It brought us even closer. Paris,
you, me, the romance of it all. I remember that night, I was watching my daily
dose of BBC (the only English language channel on French TV) when you walked
out of the bathroom wearing a sexy red teddy. Your face was lit up, your hair
undone. You had slowly crept up to me and leaned in, your warm breath nuzzling
my ear.
"Are you trying to seduce me?" somehow I had
managed to croak past my dry throat.
"Is it working?" you challenged.
I pulled you in and roughly turned so that now you were
squirming under me.
"Careful, I carry precious cargo." You warned.
I smiled knowingly, "I know my heart is quite
precious."
"That's not the precious cargo I am talking about, my
cheesy husband."
"Okay now you have officially confused me."
You had smiled this secret smile I had never seen before.
And then you quietly whispered in my ear, "I am carrying Preet Jr. in
me."
At first I had been speechless. We had been married less
than 18 months and you had been pregnant for a good 6 months of it. We had
finally just discovered each other, our love for each other. Somehow another
baby just seemed like too much too soon. I pulled away and out of the corner of
my eye, I had caught the frown on your face.
"Are you not happy about this Preet?" a quiet
desperation laced your question.
"I don't know Meher." I replied honestly
You took my hands in yours and turned me towards you.
Resting your head on my shoulders you said, "We need this baby Preet. We
need our baby to complete our reverse relationship. Remember you had said on
the eve of our wedding that we should think of our relationship as a reverse one�first baby then marriage and someday love. Well we found
love Preet and we are married; now we just need our baby, yours and mine, to
bring our relationship up to speed."
A nagging feeling lingered that this was a sign of something
off balance in our future but you were so happy and so excited that I was
easily convinced.
I remember when we got back, the house was eerily quiet.
Apparently no one was home to welcome us back, which was an unusual affair for
the Juneja family. All farewells and welcome backs were celebrated with great
pomp and glory in our household. Finally we found Kuldi, slogging away in the
kitchen making our favorite dessert, besan laddoos.
"Hi guys welcome back!" she exclaimed distractedly
"Thanks di. Where is everyone else�the house is kind of spookily quiet."
"Oh yeah, you guys won't believe this. We got news last
night. News none of us could ever expect. Pakistan has released some POWs and
Harman's name was on that list. He is alive Preet! Harman is alive!"
Before we could fully digest the news, the whole family was
back from their thanksgiving feast at the temple. They could not stop gushing
about how great this news was and it was truly good news. In fact, some would
even call it a miracle!
I turned to you and I saw it in your eyes, the news we had
brought thinking it was a miracle, had suddenly turned into unexpected news
that some might even label as bad.
In the midst of all the ongoing excitement, Ma had pulled us
aside one day. She quietly nudged is into her room, and locked the door behind
us.
"I have a request to make and I know this might seem
unfair and cruel but I would truly appreciate it if you both could do me this
one favor."
You leaned forward on your knees and softly asked,
"What is it Ma?"
Ma turned to me, almost as if she knew that this would be
the hardest on me. "I need you to pretend that the past two years didn't
happen that your marriage never took place. I need you to pretend just for a
little while until he gets settled in and then we can all gently break the news
to him together. It's just none of us know what mental condition he might be
in. He has been a POW for two years, who knows what they have done to him in
that time. I just want everything to be as normal for him as possible when he
gets back."
Silent tears had streamed down her face, as she made this
painful request of us. By the time she had finished making her request, you
were sobbing in my arms, shaking your head, refusing to make the sacrifice. Ma
left us for a while to make a decision. I had pulled you onto my lap and held
you close.
Finally when you had calmed down, you asked, "What
about the baby Preet?"
I didn't have an answer for you then and I still
don't have an answer for you. All I know is that my family needed us to make
this sacrifice. I needed to make this sacrifice, to repent for a crime I
believe myself to be guilty of, the crime of stealing my brother's happiness
from him.
"We have to tell him
Preet this pretending is not fair for any of us, least of all him." That
voice, you voice, your achingly familiar and dear voice called out from the door.
xxxx
Harman's Story
I followed her upstairs,
unwilling to let her out of my sight even for a moment. She was all I had, the
only memory worth holding on to through all those months of torture. When they
told me I was going to be released, they handed me back all my possessions, not
that it amounted to much. But it had a letter she had written, just a few days
after I got back to base. She wrote news of home, Ma, the baby and how much
they all missed me. She had finally sent me a picture too. It's obvious in the
picture, how uncomfortable she was taking it. She always underestimated her
beauty, one of the many things I loved so much about her.
But somehow, something
felt amiss. When I got back I figured the first person that would greet me,
even before ma, would be Meher. Her welcoming smile and her warm, loving
embrace was all I could think of, my entire train ride home. But when I got
home, at first she wouldn't even look at me and then when I finally hugged her,
she seemed stiff, distant, something she has never been in my arms. As excited
as I am to see my family especially Ma and bauji, I really want to figure out
what's going on with Meher more.
When she volunteered to
go get Preet, I figured this would be the best time to get some privacy. I was
also dying to meet my child. I have been imagining all this while, what they
must look like, whether it was a boy or a girl. Did it look like me or her?
What did she name it?
It's funny when I think
about it. No one in the family mentioned the baby. I thought that would be the
first thing they would talk about. I even imagined that the first words I would
get to hear when I got home would be my baby calling me "dada".
On my way to Preet's
room, I noticed a small but cozy looking nursery. I stepped in and immediately
knew that this was our baby's nursery. It had posters of all my favorite
cricketers, actors, authors and politicians posted all over the wall. It also
had pictures of me and the family scattered across the room.
"Hello there fianc�greetings from the front!"
"Harman!" you had squealed excitedly.
"No need to burst my ear drums�screaming my name. You can do that more quietly in the
privacy of our bedroom when I get back."
"Well that depends on when you get back."
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that by the time you get back I might be too
big for hanky panky in the bedroom."
"Too big�have you started pigging
out on food again out of depression?"
"No you jerk! Your baby is making constant demands for
food in my stomach and is by default making me fat!"
"baby?" I asked dumbfounded.
"Yes baby," you had replied shyly.
"Ok I am going to ask for emergency leave. I'll try to
get back as soon as I can. Just don't tell anyone yet. We'll break the news to
everyone together, after we have done a registry marriage. I don't anyone
pointing fingers at you or our baby."
Who knew at that time, as
soon as I can would turn into two long years. But I was here now and somehow
filled with more questions and less answers than I expected. I headed for
Preet's room, when I heard your voice.
"We have to tell him
Preet, this pretending is not fair for any of us, least of all him."
"I know Meher and I
can't bear to see you or my brother in so much pain but we promised Ma. Besides
he seems so frail. I just�"
"You just what
Preet?" I finally butted in.
Obviously neither of you
was expecting me in the room, overhearing your conversation; the guilty looks
you both sported were giving me this ominous feeling of dread. "Please
will one of you tell me what the hell is going on here? And Meher where is our
baby?"
"Our baby died
Harmanji," you cried out sobbing but instead of falling into my arms, you
fell into Preet's.
Preet looked equally
distraught as he held you close and narrated, "Your baby girl was born
three months premature. She fought very bravely for two whole days to survive
but she couldn't make it Bhai. I am so sorry. Meher and I named her
Laali."
"You and
Meher?" I asked apprehensively not sure if I was ready to hear the explanation
behind that.
"We are married
Harmanji. Preet and I are married."
I was not sure I
understood. I need an explanation and a drink, an entire bottle actually. I
felt like someone had just pulled the rug from under me. My baby was dead and
my fianc was married to my brother, it just seemed surreal, like I was sleep
walking through a very powerful nightmare.
"Bhai we were told
you died. None of us wanted fingers to be pointed at Meher or your baby, so I
married her. At first, our marriage was just a compromise, a convenient way to
ease your baby into this world."
"And now�?"
I asked not wanting the answer to that. It was obvious in the way that you were
holding onto each other, almost as if clinging onto each other for dear life.
The same way you and I used to cling to each other every time before I left for
the border.
"And now�I
love your brother Harmanji�very much�I
am so sorry�I tried to wait�I
waited for a year�every night I looked for
you in the sky, in my heart. But life was merciless to you and I both. But
please Harmanji never doubt my love for you. If�"
I smiled and finished for
you, "If only�time didn't move so fast�"
You came upto me and bent
forward to touch my feet. I had to resist the strong, powerful urge to pull you
into my arms and never let go. I want to be happy for my little brother's sake
but I want to be selfish for my own sake. I reached out and touched your soft
hair, running my hands through it for the last time, "I wish you all the
happiness in the world."
I meant that, truly. All
I had ever wanted was your happiness, only in my imagination; it was me who was
the source of your happiness. I left the room with the two of you in a lover's
embrace. As I stepped out, I found Ma and Bauji standing outside with tears in
their eyes. I gave them my best impression of Bauji's famous watery smile.
Thank God time moves so
fast�I don't think I could live with this heartache for too long.
